“Ponle calcetines, se va a enfermar.”
“He’s fine, the room is warm.”
“Ay, mija, that baby needs a fajero.”
“The nurse said we don’t do that anymore.”
If you’ve had a baby in a Latino family, or family from another culture, you might know this scene by heart. Your mamá on one side. Your partner on the other. And you in the middle, exhausted, holding a baby, trying to keep everyone happy.
I see this in almost every home I support. It’s one of the hardest parts of new parenthood, and one of the least talked about. So let’s talk about it.
Why these comments can hurt so much
These arguments are almost never really about socks.
For your mamá, giving advice is how she shows love. It’s how she passes on what she knows. When you don’t take it, it can feel like you’re rejecting her, or her whole way of raising you.
For your partner, especially if they didn’t grow up with these traditions, it can feel like they’re being told they’re doing it wrong. Over and over. In their own home.
And for you, it can feel like you have to choose between the family you came from and the family you’re making.
You don’t have to choose. But you do need a plan.
The most important conversation isn’t with your mamá. It’s with your partner, ideally before the baby comes, or in a quiet moment now.
Talk about:
What matters most to each of you. Safe sleep? Feeding? Visitors? Religion? Language?
Which traditions you want to keep. Maybe the caldo, the rebozo and the bendición stay. Maybe the fajero and the bracelet in the crib don’t.
Your non-negotiables. Safety comes first. Things like safe sleep and car seats aren’t up for debate.
How you’ll handle it in the moment. A code word, or “Let us talk about it and get back to you.”
When you two are on the same page, you stop being the referee and start being a team.
Doula Tip: Each person handles their own family
This is a simple rule that saves a lot of pain. You talk to your mamá. Your partner talks to theirs.
Your mamá will hear “we’ve decided” much more easily from you. Coming from her yerno or nuera, it can sound like disrespect, even when it isn’t meant that way.
Honour the love, then hold the line
You can say no to the advice and yes to the person. Try:
“Mamá, I know you’re saying this because you love him. We’ve talked to our midwife and we’re going to do it this way. Can you teach me how you make your caldo instead?”
You thanked her. You kept your decision. And you gave her a real job, a way to pass something on.
Most grandmothers don’t want to be in charge. They want to matter. Give them a way to matter.
Pick your battles
Not every disagreement is worth a fight. Ask yourself one question: is this about safety, or about preference?
Safety: hold the line, kindly and clearly. Babies sleep on their backs, alone in their own crib or bassinet, with no pillows, bumpers or loose blankets. [1] No honey before age one, because of the risk of infant botulism. [2] No jewellery like bracelets or necklaces on babies, because of the choking and strangling risk. And always a properly installed car seat.
Preference: let some things go. Socks and a gorrito, a bendición before every outing, a daily bath or every few days, picking him up the second he fusses. Your baby can wear the socks.
When you’re not sure which one it is, ask your midwife, doctor or doula. “Let’s ask the midwife” is also a great way to take the heat out of an argument.
Your baby gets two sets of roots. The songs your mamá sings. The foods your partner grew up with. The language at abuela’s house and the language at school.
The goal isn’t for one side to win. It’s to build something new that holds both.
If it’s more than a disagreement
Sometimes family tension is heavier than this. If someone ignores your safety decisions, undermines you in front of the baby, or makes your home feel unsafe, it’s okay to set firmer limits on visits. Protecting your peace is protecting your baby.
Hecho con cariño, Natalia Doula
This post is for general information and doesn't replace advice from your midwife, doctor or the hospital. Hospital policies can change, so always check with MAHC and your care provider for the latest.
References
Canadian Paediatric Society, Caring for Kids. Safe sleep for babies.
Health Canada. Preventing botulism in infants.
Resources
Caring for Kids, the Canadian Paediatric Society’s parent site, a trusted source to show family when you disagree: caringforkids.cps.ca
Baby’s Breath Canada, safe sleep information: babysbreathcanada.ca/safe-sleep
211 Ontario, to find local family counselling and parenting programs: call 2-1-1 or visit 211ontario.ca
Simcoe Muskoka District Health Unit: Perinatal mental health support
