In our families, the weeks after birth have always belonged to the women. The mamá, the suegra, the tías: they cook, they rock the baby, they tell the new mother to rest.
So where does that leave the dad?
Too often, standing in the doorway. Not sure what to do. Not sure he’s allowed to do it. And quietly feeling like he’s failing at something nobody taught him.
These are the five myths that I have heard and have come up again and again, and what I’d tell, as a doula, to every partner instead.
Myth 1: “Birth and babies are women’s business.”
This one runs deep. Many of us grew up with dads who were loving but stayed out of the baby stuff. That was the way it was done.
But babies bond with the people who care for them. A dad who changes diapers, does skin-to-skin and walks the baby at 2 am builds that bond from day one. The fourth trimester (the first three months after birth) is when it starts.
Instead: you’re not a visitor in your baby’s life. You’re a parent.
Myth 2: “My job is to help her.”
“Help” sounds kind, but it puts the partner in the role of assistant. She has to notice what needs doing, ask for it, and then say thank you. That’s a lot of work for someone who is healing and barely sleeping.
Instead: think about owning, not helping. Pick things that are fully yours: all the laundry, every bath, the night shift on weekends, keeping the water bottle full. You don’t wait to be asked.
Myth 3: “If I go back to work, I’ve done my part.”
Providing for your family matters, and many dads carry real pressure to get back to work fast. But being home, even for a short time, changes everything. In Canada, parents can share EI parental benefits, and when both parents take some of the leave, the family gets extra weeks.
Instead: if you can take time off, take it. If you can’t, protect your evenings and weekends like they’re sacred, because they are.
Myth 4: “The suegra has it covered.”
Having family close is a gift. But sometimes the grandmothers take over completely, and the dad steps back to stay out of the way. Then, when the family leaves, he and his partner are on their own with a baby he barely knows how to settle.
Instead: learn alongside the abuelas. Ask your suegra to teach you how she wraps the baby. Let your mamá show you how to make the caldo. The tradition gets passed to you too. [1]
Myth 5: “Real men don’t need support.”
This is the one that worries me most. Dads can get postpartum depression too. A large review of studies found that about 1 in 10 fathers experience depression between their partner’s pregnancy and the baby’s first year, and that it’s linked to depression in the mother. [2] It often looks different in men: irritability, anger, working all the time, drinking more, pulling away. [3]
Instead: talk to someone. Your partner, a friend, your doctor, another dad. Asking for support is part of taking care of your family.
Don’t forget the dads
I want to say something to the birthworkers and the families reading this.
When I walk into a postpartum home, I make a point of greeting the dad by name. I ask how he’s sleeping. I show him the things I’m doing (how to burp the baby, how to tell a hungry cry from a tired one) so I’m not the only one who knows.
I’ve noticed something: when the dad feels included, the whole house relaxes. He stops hovering in the doorway. He starts trusting himself. And his partner gets to rest, knowing the baby is in good hands.
If you’re a birthworker, here are a few things that make a big difference:
Say his name and look at him. Many dads tell me nobody in the hospital spoke to them directly.
Give him a role in the birth room. Counter-pressure, holding the rebozo, being in charge of water and ice chips. A dad with a job feels useful, not in the way.
Teach, don’t take over. Every time you do something for the baby, show him how.
Check on him too. “How are you doing with all of this?” might be the first time anyone has asked.
Respect how the family works. In some homes the dad leads, in some the abuela does. You’re there to support the family they are, not the one you think they should be.
And if you’re a dad reading this: you belong here. You don’t have to know everything. You just have to show up.
What partners can do this week
Pick one task that is fully yours, starting today.
Do one hour of skin-to-skin with your baby.
Ask your partner: “What’s one thing I could take off your plate?”
Ask yourself: “How am I actually doing?”
I’m dreaming up something just for dads, a space to talk honestly about becoming a father. If you’d like to hear about it first, let’s chat about it→
Hecho con cariño, Natalia Doula
This post is for general information and doesn't replace advice from your midwife, doctor or the hospital. Hospital policies can change, so always check with MAHC and your care provider for the latest.
References
Government of Canada. EI maternity and parental benefits. See the section on sharing parental benefits.
Paulson, J.F. & Bazemore, S.D. (2010). Prenatal and postpartum depression in fathers and its association with maternal depression: a meta-analysis. JAMA, 303(19).
Postpartum Support International. Help for Dads.
Resources
Postpartum Support International: Help for Dads. Online dads’ groups and a HelpLine (1-800-944-4773): postpartum.net/get-help/help-for-dads
Dad Central Ontario, resources and programs for Ontario fathers: dadcentral.ca
EI parental benefits, to plan your leave together: canada.ca
Simcoe Muskoka District Health Unit: Perinatal mental health support
In crisis? Call or text 988, 24/7.
