In my family, December means celebration. Ten women around the kitchen table, music on, masa everywhere, someone’s tía telling the same story she tells every year. Then the posadas, Nochebuena, the cousins, the abrazos, the food that doesn’t stop until Reyes.
I love it. And if you’ve just had a baby, it might be the last thing your body needs.
This post is for the new mamás and the pregnant ones heading into their first holiday season with a baby. You’re allowed to love your family and protect your rest. Here’s how.
Why the holidays can feel so heavy
If you’re in the first months after birth, your body is still healing. You’re probably not sleeping much. Your nervous system is working overtime just to keep up with a newborn.
Then the holidays arrive with their own expectations: show up, cook, host, travel, pass the baby around, stay up late, be happy. In many of our families there’s also a quiet rule underneath it all. A good daughter comes. A good mother doesn’t complain.
That’s a lot to carry. It makes sense if you feel torn.
First, decide what you actually want
Before anyone asks you, sit down with your partner and look at the calendar. For each event, ask:
Do I want to go? Not “should I,” but do I want to.
What would make it easier? Going for one hour, not five. Having a quiet room to feed the baby. Leaving before the baby’s bedtime.
What’s a firm no this year? Long drives, late nights, hosting.
You might decide you want the tamalada, but just for an hour, sitting down, holding the baby while everyone else spreads the masa. That’s a beautiful way to be there.
In our society, a flat “no” can feel rude. So say it the way our families talk: with warmth, with a reason, and with an offer.
To skip an event:
“Ay, I wish I could be there. This year I need to stay home and rest with the baby. Will you send me a plate of tamales? And let’s video call while you’re all cooking.”
To leave early:
“We’re going to come for a little while. When the baby gets tired, we’ll head home, so don’t be offended when we sneak out.”
To say no to hosting:
“Not this year, Mamá. Next year I’ll make the ponche for everyone. This year I’m the one being taken care of.”
To keep the baby close:
“She’s still so little, so we’re keeping her close today. Come sit with us and you can hold her hand.”
Doula Tip: Let your partner deliver some of these, especially to their side of the family. And remember: you don’t need to defend your decision ten times. Say it once, kindly, then change the subject.
When the guilt shows up
It probably will. You may hear “in my day we didn’t make such a fuss” or feel the silence on the phone after you say you’re not coming.
Here’s what I want you to remember: resting after birth IS our tradition. La cuarentena exists because our abuelas knew a new mother needs protecting. Saying no to the tamalada isn’t turning your back on your culture. It’s keeping one of its oldest promises.
And if the holidays feel heavier than tired, if you feel hopeless, numb, constantly anxious or not like yourself, please tell someone. Nearly 1 in 4 new mothers in Canada report symptoms of postpartum depression or anxiety. [1] You’re not alone, and help works.
Small ways to stay connected
You can still feel the holidays without wearing yourself out:
Ask the family to save you a dozen tamales and drop them off.
Join the posada by video for the pedir posada song.
Light a candle at home and say a prayer with your baby.
Have the family over to your house, for one hour, with food they bring.
Start one tiny new tradition with your partner and baby, just the three of you.
A note for the families
If you’re the abuela, the tía, or the sister: the best gift you can give a new mother this year isn’t something wrapped. It’s a plate of food at her door, a load of laundry folded, and the words “Rest, mija. We’ve got this.”
In December, Mother Circle’s theme is Rest in the Rush: protecting your peace through the holidays. We’ll sit together, breathe, and talk honestly about the pressure of the season. Come as you are, baby and all.
Y si este año no llegas a la tamalada, está bien. Tus tamales te esperan. 🤍
Hecho con cariño, Natalia Doula
This post is for general information and doesn't replace advice from your midwife, doctor or the hospital. Hospital policies can change, so always check with MAHC and your care provider for the latest.
References
Statistics Canada. Maternal Mental Health in Canada, 2018/2019.
Resources
Postpartum Support International, with support in English and Spanish, online groups, and a HelpLine (1-800-944-4773): postpartum.net
Simcoe Muskoka District Health Unit: Perinatal mental health help and support
Caring for Kids, for travelling or visiting with a newborn and keeping baby safe at busy gatherings: caringforkids.cps.ca
In crisis? Call or text 988, Canada’s Suicide Crisis Helpline, 24/7.
